Oh, compassion can be a tough one, when it comes to self and others. Experiencing compassion, especially when we might be having a bad day can be hard to come by. It’s so much easier to judge than to tap into that place where compassion resides. Maybe this is because you need more compassion for yourself as well, instead of judging yourself, as I’m sure we can all relate. Practice compassion and learn to live a fuller life.
Much pain is derived from having a judgmental and critical attitude on life and others. Always wanting more or comparing yourself to others is just as detrimental to self-worth. Over longer periods of time you can begin to feel cut off, ashamed or even alone. You may then think that you are totally unlovable and deserving until you can fix whatever you perceive is “wrong” with you.
But what does compassion towards yourself look like? This means celebrating and enjoying yourself when all is well, as well as being patient, kind, and forgiving towards yourself when the going gets tough.
What if I were to tell you that you are loved, worthy, accepted, and appreciated for exactly who you are? What if all those things that hold you back from seeing this were gone? How would that feel? What would be left? The truth is that deep done in our core we know that we are indeed OK. We are beautiful and unique beings going through a human experience in every moment of our existence. Truth is that no matter what is happening, we are loveable and deserving. So what holds us back?
Obstacles to Self-Compassion
Feeling overwhelmed
Feeling overwhelmed is part of the normal process when you begin to do compassion work. This is because you will be opening up emotions you haven’t looked at in a long time, or maybe never. It’s important to identify when you are feeling overwhelmed so you can take the necessary steps to avoid halting the healing process.
When feeling overwhelmed take a step back, breathe, and ground your energy to the earth. This will help you feel safe again and help you relax the tense feelings are coming up. This will also help you regain clarity to be able to continue taking the necessary steps to commence your compassion work anew. Recognize that this is all part of the normal process and that nothing is wrong with you. Again, no judgment for where you are or how you are responding.
There is no time
Putting ourselves last is a common habit that all of us have fallen into. Putting others’ needs before our own is considered normal. Mothers, can get so used to always taking care of their children, that even when they are out of the house, they still don’t know how to take care of themselves. Feeling like you have to take the extra shifts at work, even though you don’t need them, is commonplace. Not taking even 2 hours per week to do something you love is often forgotten. It’s easy to be caught up in this thing we call “life”, that begins to feel more like a “bad relationship”.
This might work for a while, but the problem is this bad habit tends to cause unexpressed emotions to build over. Fatigue, depression, regret, resentment, and other negative emotions set in. What is the lesson in all this talk? Make time for your selfcare and compassion work. You won’t regret it!
Self-limiting beliefs
Self-limiting beliefs can be so detrimental to our emotional, mental, physical health, and spiritual wellbeing. Not feeling good enough or worthy are two of the biggest blockages influencing a lack of self-compassion. When these things get the best of you, it’s helpful to begin cultivating self-acceptance. Acceptance for the moment you find yourself in, for your body, for the present situation, for the feelings that are coming up, and for anything else that is trying to pull you down and out of compassion.
Learning to accept whatever somatic sensation or thought that arises teaches us mindfulness. Accepting that everything is but a life lesson to help us grow and be better humans. What does that look like?
Mindfulness of the Body:No matter what arises in your body allow the sensations to pass as you breathe deeply into the pleasantness, unpleasantness, fear, pain, or whatever else might come up. These sensations will pass on their own when you acknowledge them and give them permission to be.
Mindfulness of Thoughts: Instead of arguing with the never-ending barrage of thoughts that flood the mind all day, become aware of them. Stop and listen to what is going on up there. Start to notice that you don’t have to argue with your thoughts. Just let them be. Let them pass on by like clouds in the sky. Send non-judgement and compassion to those thoughts and watch them pass.
Practice Compassion: Tools To Self-Compassion
Daily formal practice
I can’t emphasize how important a daily practice is for anything you are working on. A Daily practice helps us to be present with ourselves and be more aware of what we need to continue moving forward in our process. Scientists have established that by practicing compassion for 30 minutes a day for 14 days causes a measurable change in your brain and behavior. Even more of a reason to begin a daily practice of compassion! Over time compassion can guide you throughout your day in all life decisions. You can then respond with compassion to everything in your life. How would that feel?
A practice is the time of day you totally dedicate to cultivate compassion. It can look like different things for different people. You can walk, meditate, journal, pray, chant, do yoga, or listen to some meditative music. Ideally 15-30 minutes is a great place to start, but even 5 minutes per day is better than nothing.
Moment to moment
I like this one a lot. When I was in school full-time, working, and a single mom of my two young children I realized it was almost impossible for me to sit down for 30 minutes a day to meditate. So I began praying and cultivating compassion while I was driving, walking to work, cooking, or sitting in the office waiting for a phone call. This helps bring mindfulness to every moment of the day and can become your informal practice. Doing this can be extremely transformative. Give it a try!
Retreats
Retreats are a great way to help you get out of your normal day-to-day mindset and get a new perspective on life. It is preferable to find a place in nature where you can disconnect from the mundane things of a busy life. From waking to dusk, you can have space and time to practice compassion and mindfulness. There are so many different kinds of meditation retreats offered around the US and globally. One of my favorite centers in my area is The Shambala Mountain Center at Red Feather Lake, CO. Many teachers from around the world and from different backgrounds come to share their knowledge. There are a plethora of centers that you can research.
If life doesn’t allow you to take off to a retreat, you can also set up an in-home retreat. Clear the day, shut off the phone, take out a journal, do some yoga, meditate, and eat good food. This is a great way to reset.
Community
Support from others is such a big help. This can help you stay on track, get useful tips from others, and receive encouragement to keep going when it gets tough. Negative patterns and falling back into old habits can be cut off from the past when you have others who hold you gently accountable.
Look for a group that calls to you in your local community. There are more and more meditation, spiritual, or church groups popping up all over. Hopefully, you will find something that resonates with you and where you will feel at home.
Life is truly short. Cherish every moment and do your best to operate from your heart.
